I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
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There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
How high do the levels go?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.