[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
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Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
me adding lol on a serious message
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
That’s not how days work.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.