shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
You Might Also Like
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
❤️❤️❤️
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.