ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
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Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Happy weekend !
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.