[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
You Might Also Like
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Name this drama.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?