The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
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“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.