“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
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I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?