Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
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My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple