Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
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If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
My life in a nutshell
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
My last name is Zilla.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials