7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
selfie game
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️