I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
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my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Finally
can’t catch a break
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
New mindset, who dis?
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
My dog ate my work from home.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Investing in beetcoin
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
This pepper has seen some shit