Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
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Happy thanksgiving!
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.