Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
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Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
A double negative is a big no-no.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy