I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
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Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Match dot com, but for socks.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Just got to our Airbnb!
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.