I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
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Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
The Onion called it…again.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
even bears disappoint their mothers
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater