The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
hackers play passwordle
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Girl, same.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Aight bet
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*