Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
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My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Where is your GOD now????
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].