Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
You Might Also Like
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
A huge thanks to the person that did this
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Raisins are grape jerky.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant