your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
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Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”