Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
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Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
wut hotdog?
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.