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Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.