Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
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I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would