her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
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“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Every house has this drawer
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism