Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
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*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).