A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
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If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.