ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
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satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.