Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
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Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.