Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
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If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg