[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
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I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Who chose this font
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
They grow up so quick
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.