[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
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Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
ME (calling my horse with no name):
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*