Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
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Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt