How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
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First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking