Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
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My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?