Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
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i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.