Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
You Might Also Like
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “