society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
You Might Also Like
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.