Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
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Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
wtf is an acronym
Discuss
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.