If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
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TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!