I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
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Classic German Shepherd 😂
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.