does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
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I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality