I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
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WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
🐕🍷
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.