Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
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[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
this was the best i’ve ever seen
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
A small tragedy.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
My birth announcement for our third baby
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this