Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
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My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.