I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
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Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.