DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
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Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?