If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
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I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.