GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
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I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground