It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
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[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
And then there were 4
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.