If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
You Might Also Like
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”