Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
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I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
tourist season
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench: